We try and we fail

It's Sunday morning.

I'm at work updating desktops to Windows 10 after unsuccessful trying yesterday. Today it's been going much better. Half the computers will done by tomorrow morning, which is nice.

While the computers go through the automatic process, I'm updating my other website, writing some content. I'm trying to take control of my work and being able to market myself has an educator with skills that fit the current marketplace. My position at work is pretty stable at the moment, but I want to always be trying to get a little better.

Manic Pixie Dream Girl Revisited

So... Here's a poorly written blog post from 2005 where I doing a poor job of expressing what would later become the manic pixie dream girl theory. Re-reading myself, I come off  at the very least problematic and at the worst incredibly sexist. I was a naive and a little off with the "girl's don't make mix tapes like that" point. What I was trying to get at was the scenario seemed... unlikely? No, that's not right. Elizabethtown went against everything I had experienced as a young person dealing with others in those semi-romantic/more-than-platonic-friends situations. There was a lot about Clair (Kirsten Dunst's character) that seemed unrealistic to me, but specifically the commanding taste in music. I realize now I lacked the necessary language to express my thoughts without sounding like a jackass. I think it's the "... and she's pretty to boot" part that makes me cringe the most. What does how she looks like have to with anything relevant? Or is it relevant to everything since it's in the context of a Hollywood movie that exploits her femininity? I'm unsure. If I'm being kind to my younger self, I saw some part of this and just filtered it through the lens of the music selection. If I'm not, I was just another sexist 20-something boy who couldn't imagine a woman applying a vast knowledge of music and history to create what in my mind was a work of genius.

Maybe I'm making things worse. I don't know if I have all the tools necessary to express myself properly without coming off like an ass. I fully admit that I have under examined my privilege concerning gender issues. I've been called out about this in the past. It's difficult to confront but I'm trying.

Days like these

In an attempt to be creative, I'm ditching work tonight to write on my blog in order to keep my promise of posting something longer at the end of the month.

...And I can't think of anything to write. I know I'm not a writer. I've read a bunch of posts on tumblr from different writers talking about the craft (yes, I'm using something on tumblr as an authoritative source in this matter). I don't have the compulsion to write everyday. I don't have stories bursting out of me or an inquisitive mind that needs to report on some troubling aspect of the world. I'm an amateur and that's the way I like it. It's nice to have moments to write something to keep to myself. 

Saw The Stories We Tell a couple of weeks ago. It was fantastic. Got me thinking about memory, stories, and persona more so than usual. Not reliving my life but thinking about WHAT happened (Did I construct parts of that event? Did it happen the way I think it did?), HOW it affects me now, and most importantly HOW I remember it (Has how I think about it has changed over time?). These are fundamental questions of human existence; the unexamined life and all. 

Ok, that last paragraph is a little bit of a mess. I'm going to leave it in as a quote. Here's what I was trying to get at - I take the Socrates quote regarding the unexamined life seriously. The only thing I can truly control is HOW interpret my memories into stories I tell. I pick and choose what parts of my life fit with my current personality and discard the rest. You do need to, from time to time, reflect and sometimes confront who you were. This is how we build self-esteem and have self-worth. I'm not an anxious person but like everyone I do have those random embarrassing memories float to the top of my mind every so often. All I can do is acknowledge them and move on. Regardless on how this sounds, I think this process is necessary in order to be an interesting person. 

Guess when given enough time I can find something to write about. 

This post from 2006 details my music interests until that point in time. It's fairly detailed and, if I can be less than modest for a moment, fairly well written. So what's happened since?

In 2007, I went to teacher's college. While I had still had lots of time to searching through music blogs, I was doing less and less. Then there was the year after that were I did a whole lot of random things. Groups like the Pipettes, the Sadies, Fucked Up, Nick Cave's albums / Ginderman (might be a bit later) and . I did try electronic music (like everyone else) but it wasn't my thing. Never has been. But LCD Soundsystem was good.

Started working at the bookstore from 2008 to 2011, and this started the more low-key music. Had to find things I could play in the store for eight hours a day. I got into the Stax box set, the I'm Not There 2-disc soundtrack, The Hold Steady, Sharon Jones and the Dap-Kings, all the Kanye West (not store appropriate), Robyn, and the Rural Alberta Advantage.

Since then leaving the bookstore, music is still awesome but it doesn't consume my life anymore. Really I just don't have a lengthy commune anymore. As I walk to work I'm listening to podcasts. At work I don't really have the opportunity because there are always people around, always asking questions. When I'm at home, there's no place to sit and listen without getting in my girlfriend's way. Every year there's at least one or two albums that I enjoy. Zen Arcade, for example, was something I discovered fairly recently and I can't get enough.

So this list is reflection of what I still like today, what I remember really enjoying at the time, and what I'm not embarrassed by.

2006 - Neko Case - Fox Confessor Brings the Flood
2007 - Wilco - Sky Blue Sky
2008 - The Hold Steady - Stay Positive
2009 - Propagandhi - Supporting Caste
2010 - Kanye West - My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy
2011 - Fucked Up - David Comes to Life (this year a little strange because I wasn't listen to much "new" music)
2012 - (tie) Killer Mike - R.A.P. Music / Kendrick Lamar - good kid, M.A.A.D. city

Holiday Project - Day 6

Gifts

Went shopping today. Boxing Day didn't seem as busy as previous years.

I've only had to work on Boxing Day a couple of times. One year I had three part-time jobs, the worst of which was a seasonal job at Best Buy. I only took the job because I wanted to buy some new headphones using the employee discount (quality headphones, like any audio-visual cables, are marked up something like 200%). I mostly worked the cash register, and it wasn't horrible but it wasn't great either. It was just another corporate minimum-wage retail job.

Films I Don't Remember

The CBC is broadcasting Mission: Impossible III, the one directed by J J Abrams. I know I saw this movie in the theatre but I can't remember a single detail about it. This bothered me (that I didn't remember it) for a while, especially since I couldn't find it on Netflix (but Ghost Protocols was), and I wasn't interested enough to download it. Now that I'm watching it again I know why I didn't recall the plot - it wasn't very memorable. I mean it's perfectly serviceable movie - well paced, lots of explosions, cool gadgets, etc. It's like those 90s Bond movies - ok but nothing really special. Except M:I 3 doesn't have lots of cheesy puns. Doesn't show how good Abrams would be in the future.

This is what I do with my Saturday nights when I'm home sick with a cold that has basically ruined my entire winter holidays.

So now I'm trying to recall other movies I know I've seen because I was really excited to see when they original came out but now can't remember a thing about them aside from very general details. Not surprisingly this is difficult to do.

Torn Curtain

As I find myself writing quite a bit for my current job. Almost all of my previous jobs required some measure of this but now it's almost all I do (aside from teach and fix computers). Whether memos, worksheets, instructions, or emails, the importance of editing and re-reading has become more apparent than ever. It's a good thing I've finally become comfortable with my writing.

While in school editing and revising were the parts I HATED the most because I wasn't a strong writer. My teachers used to say that my thought came to me faster than I could write/type so my work was filled with missing words, half-finished thoughts, and general disarray. Having other people, including my parents, read aloud my work made me feel stupid because all of the errors obvious. And, being a child educated in the Ontario public system during the 80s, I wasn't taught grammar very well (hooked on phonics definitely didn't work for me). It didn't get better in high school or university. I mean, eventually I learned enough to edit my work in order to get a decent grade. There were several papers where the content and ideas would be excellent but my mistakes would easily cost a grade point. I made my way through university with the help of patient friends, family, and writing centres (okay, I only went to a writing centre once but still).

It was only after university, when I really got into writing on this blog, that I truly learned to pause and fix mistakes without feeling stupid. This is key. I got better with more practice and then it got easier to write. I started reading books about basic writing techniques and it got even better and easier to write. Actually reading the rules of grammar really helped me understand the structure of writing. You'd think that studying semiotics I would have known all this before but I didn't make the connection. I had final internalized some of those rules and it made all the difference.

Now I usually wait a day or so before I post a long post (like this one). I re-reading the whole thing once or twice trying to catch mistakes and make sentences/paragraphs flow better. I still get lazy and post without properly editing. That means I'll read it later and change stuff. I actually feel good about doing this. My words aren't precious. I feel like I can express myself better, even if I have to go back and change entire paragraphs (just did this with my "listening to" post from a couple weeks ago).

Computers

There's always been a computer in my house, even growing up. I realize this statement isn't as strange as it once was, but we had a Commodore 64 in the mid-80s. I learned simple computer commands before I could read. For example, I loved playing this game called Jumpman. My father wrote out the instructions to start the game for me (after showing multiple times how to do). I couldn't do much more but it was enough. That's where it started. I've been thinking about this stuff a lot as I work with older computer for school. Computers have always been in my life and now I'm trying to incorporate them in a productive way beyond surfing the internet.

Safety first

Over the weekend I wanted to play my old Super Nintendo while UFC was away shopping in Buffalo. Unfortunately, it seems I left my favourites (Final Fantasy 2 & 3, Crono Tigger) somewhere else. Where exactly I'm not sure. I hope it's just at my parents' place, but it is also likely I lost them while moving over the years. This is a little upsetting because aside from the emotional investment, it would be expensive to replace them. I realize there are computer programs that I could use to replace them but it's not the same. I guess I just wanted to revisit a small part of my past in the comfort of my own home.

Another bites the dust

Geez... one of my favourite movie theatres in the city is closing tomorrow. I can't count the number of foreign, indie, and just plain weird movies I've seen at this tiny theatre. It was a second run theatre. It kept good films longer than the standard two weeks, giving people a chance to actually see something. One of the advantages of where I was moving to was that it was just a two blocks from my new place. ARGH! Foiled again...

Energy

I was driving to some event and decided to listen to Operation Ivy's Energy, an absolutely fantastic late 80s punk rock record.

Though to myself, "Wow, this record really sounds like teenage rebellion." I don't know if this is true. Operation Ivy, along with Weezer, Rancid, the Specials, Screeching Weasel, and the Misfits, was the soundtrack to high school years. Those songs, along with crowds of people they attract, were the people who influenced me during my formative years (that's the what you call your teens, right?).

So what's the truth? Doubt I could tell without serious thought. Still getting over my cold. Not thinking straight.

Technology is Fun!

Last night, after a lot of research and thinking, I was able to transfer my old emails from my old desktop. I don't know why I want these old emails. Most of them are old school emails about assignments or group emails regarding events that happened five years ago. Oh well, it was a fun challenge and now I can get rid of my old desktop!

Sod Off

I just spent the afternoon trying to plug the holes in my comic book collection, specifically the Hellblazer series. I'm not a completest or anything. The entire series isn't available in trades (trades are collections for issues, often mistakenly called graphic novels), only specific story lines which means if I want to read everything I need to find the original issues, which could be expensive except that nobody really collects these random storylines. It's been a while since I've gone out and searched for old single issues. It was exciting. In the old days, when I was thirteen, I knew which issues I needed by sight; these days, not so much. I needed a list. It was very helpful. There's this used bookstore that sells old comics on the cheap. Comic bookstores are much more expensive.

Driving through history

As part of my job, every month or so I drive around the greater Toronto area taking unsold books back to the various publishers. It's not an entire day's work but it seems like a very long day. It's enjoyable because I just get listen whatever I want as I drive. Reminds me of my old job as a driver.

Part of my Google Maps planned route took through my aunt & uncle's old town (they moved about a decade ago into a retirement condo). During my childhood, my family visited their place at least twice a year. I hadn't been back since they moved. As I drove through, I fondly remembered all those family visits. Now, we don't see them very much at all. I don't know exactly what happened.

One Night in Hollywood

The Oscars' red carpet reminds me of my trip to LA. I'm not sure if I ever thanked my generous host. That was one of the best vacations I've ever been on. And now when every time I see the Kodiak Theatre on television I can say, "I've been there!"

Childhood Bibles

Here's the craziest thing I've heard in a while: one of my friend's grandmother thought that children's Bible were too scary for her grandchildren so she took White-Out to "correct" the images found in the good book. This, however, made the pictures make no sense. How is the devil the devil without a pitchfork or horns?

Sadly, this "grandma edited" bible has been lost. I'd give my left arm to see it. My left arm.

Let it snow

I had previous written this post about getting in contact with people I had known a while ago. It was written before everyone and their mother was on Facebook. Of all the people on that list, I still haven't gotten in contact with one person. Everyone else is my "friend". Almost makes that post obsolete but it won't get deleted. It does, however, let people figure out how who I am.

Why is this important? Well, I met someone at work who went to my high school (the co-worker is three years younger) AND one of the people on that list contact me via Facebook. So it worked.

It's also snowing like a motherfucker.

don't wanna be an american nerd

I'm currently reading a book called American Nerd: The Story of My People. It's about nerds in America. It starts with the history of the nerd (the origins of the word, etc.), the politics of the nerd (stupid things like democrats versus republican), and personal anecdotes. It's well written and easy to read but it makes me uncomfortable.

According to this book, I'm a nerd. It seems I've always been one. Since I was what is now called a "tween". I've always read comic books, enjoy science-fiction, and learning about all and everything.

Yes, in high school I played in a punk rock band but I also played in the jazz band and was part of the pit band for the high school musical. Even my friends were less punk and more pop music nerds than anything else. We spent more time debating and arguing with each other than playing music. It was about who could find the most obscure/awesome new music. And mix tapes. And girls we couldn't talk to. Very middle class, not very punk.

Hell, even our shows were more "performance art" than music shows (not that we knew what performance art was. We just thought we were punk rock). I probably spent more time trying to throw pies in people's faces than playing music.

Even now, I'm still a nerd. I blog regularly, work in the history/political science section of a large corporate bookstore, and rarely engage in strenuous physical activity. My undergraduate degree is in semiotics and communication theory. I took philosophy courses not because I was good at it but because I enjoyed it. These are things I enjoy doing. I enjoy thinking. Does this make me a machine? Doubtful but then again anything is possible.

Like I'm fond of saying, I was only cool for five minutes in 1998 that was by accident. It had something to do with a punk rock show, potatoes, and almost all my friends.

Oh, and my girlfriend likes nerds... and Asian babies... and reading. She's a little bit of a nerd herself. It's kind of awesome.

Tommy Gun

R.I.P. NewMusic

Here's one of the best clips. It's totally awesome.

It's only rock n' roll but I like it

I've been listening to a lot of AC/DC recently. Today while listening to Back in Black I tried to remember when I bought the record. Here's the story:

I was very young. How young is a little difficult to say but I was probably eleven or twelve. I had just come back from summer camp. My counsellors used to play random records during the rest hour we had right after lunch. I didn't really know at the time, but it was mix of Kiss, Guns' n Roses, AC/DC and Metallica - all the popular rock acts of the time. Being very young (and usually asleep), I didn't know which was which but I enjoyed some of it. After I got home, I had my parents take me to the local record store in the mall. I wanted to buy some of music I heard. I could only remember two things - one of the bands was named AC/DC and that I really liked the song "Rock n' Roll All Night" but didn't know the exact title. Armed with this knowledge, I went to the record store and purchased Back in Black, assuming that the song I liked would be on it. I thought "You Shook Me All Night Long" was "Rock n' Roll All Night".

I was really young. Imagine my shock when I was mistaken. I wasn't, however, disappointed with my choice. AC/DC is awesome... and it still rocks.